The David Ortiz Retirement Tour Has Begun

David Ortiz farewell retirement
BOSTON, MA - SEPTEMBER 4: David Ortiz #34 of the Boston Red Sox salutes the fans who gave him a standing ovation after hitting a two-run home run in the 7th inning against the Detroit Tigers for hit number 2,001 during the game on September 4, 2013 at Fenway Park in Boston, Massachusetts. (Photo by Jared Wickerham/Getty Images)

So, the David Ortiz Retirement Tour Extravaganza is already beginning, and I want to throw up.

The Red Sox are having a 30-Minute SPRING TRAINING CEREMONY for The Large Father.

“David, we know you’ve gone on the record saying you hate spring training, but we want to take a minute to let the grandparents and people down here in Fort Myers who are probably vacationing and are going to see you play at some point this season anyway thank you for not really even wanting to be here.”

I’ve been a Sox fan since I really started watching baseball in 2003, so David Ortiz has been hitting bombs in a Red Sox uniform for my entire baseball life. I am definitely going to shed a tear or two (or a million) over the course of the season, but this is ridiculous. Giving Big Papi a 30 minute spring training ceremony is absurd. I would have figured he’d tip his cap after the final game this spring at Fenway South, but the Red Sox are insisting on a half hour ceremony. It blows my mind that this is really going to happen. The Red Sox ownership group are going to force this down our throat all year and it’s going to suck. Especially if the Sox are bad. Then it’s just going to be flat out depressing.
Whatever, I guess. I told myself not to get irrationally mad about stupid shit like this, but inevitably I’m sitting here in an Ortiz shirsey fuming about something that doesn’t even matter. Oh, John Henry and friends, how I can’t stand you.