I was awaken at 2:51 this morning out of absolutely nowhere. It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced. The memory of that first 5 seconds within waking up is so vivid. It felt like 5 hours. It felt like someone shook me to wake me up, and the instant I opened my eyes, my brain started going crazy. It was almost like the last 5 years of my life flashed before my eyes and I saw a bunch of signs of unrelated things that happened that suddenly all made perfect sense. I’m talking RANDOM and UNRELATED. Like those little deja vu moments that you remember for no reason? Like an image on Instagram you saw a year ago scrolling your timeline, and for some reason you remember it like it was yesterday. Like remembering a certain emotion you felt at a certain point in time at a conference 3 years ago that you remember so vividly and you can’t explain why. Ever have those? Imagine about 5 different memories and emotions like that all aligning. Waking up in the middle of the night absolutely WIDE AWAKE and in the 5 seconds following, you see all of those moments run through your head, and each of them connected like chapters in a book…1…2…3. Could you imagine?
And the light bulb goes off.
Hopefully I’ll be able to give more detail about these exact moments at a later point in time, because I remember each and every one of them. Actually, they’re now all written on a legal pad right next to me, I just feel like now’s not the right time. Would make for a cool chapter in a book though, eh? I always keep a pen and paper by my bed every night. Why do I do that? Really good question. I can’t say I’ve ever written anything lastingly meaningful in there that’s still relevant today. But maybe, just maybe, that became a habit and just one of the small pieces that aligned on this day?
I’m having a tough time putting into words the feeling that’s going through me right now. For the first time in probably two years, I just woke up today feeling like everything is alright. Everything has gone exactly how it’s supposed to go. All the unfortunate events that have sprung up the last couple years just feel irrelevant at this point. All of the problems I thought I had just disappeared. It feels like now I can see how that was all apart of the process. I can see EXACTLY how they all fit. And I’m talking UNFORTUNATE events to the tune of watching multiple-six-figure assets burned to the ground OVERNIGHT. I’m talking watching friends and their families, that you’ve adopted responsibility for taking care of in a way, lives get thrown off course by events completely unfair and out of my control, with nothing I can do about it. Heavy shit here. All of it. Who cares? Well, I do care, but now it just all seems okay for some reason. Sometimes one door closes so another door can open. Sometimes God has to destroy something you thought you wanted, so he can guide you to what you REALLY want. Sometimes we need yanked away from what we believe to be our “passion” to be directed to the point where our passion meets our PURPOSE.
For the first time in a while, I had a clear enough mind to look in the rear-view mirror for a second and reflect. I’m always a “we” person not an “I” person, but it’s important to be able to see your role in that “we”. In the most humble state of mind possible, I was able to look back and say to myself;
“Look what you did. Look what you built. Look at what you learned how to do all by yourself. Look at all the people you’ve met. Look at all the places you’ve been. Look at all the people affected by your work. Look at all the messages people send you thanking you for something you did with no intention of being thanked for. Look at all you’ve been through.”
It’s 4:17 a.m. now and I don’t feel an ounce of tired. The last two hours feel like a total out-of-body experience, like I’m standing with God watching myself go through this, and he’s pointing out everything I’m seeing, and helping me understand how it all makes sense. Or maybe this is what true inspiration feels like?
It all makes sense now. That Friday night in the bedroom of my apartment when I chose not to go out for some reason, and for some reason I chose to research a certain thing, and for some reason I came across a certain website, and for some reason saw this Instagram post, and for some reason I had a certain something with a certain someone. Those things I saw no rhyme or reason for at the time, for some reason all played into this morning. Well, that “for some reason” has become a bit clearer. One small decision after another on a Friday night in Clarion, Pennsylvania 4-5 years ago, a place I had NO BUSINESS being. I can’t even think of one good reason that I chose to attend school there. A total wtf moment let do A. Which led to B. Which led to C. Which led to D. Which are all completely unrelated, or so I thought at the time. You might be at your “B” right now, and your purpose might be at “G”. Stay the course and work your way from B to G. It’s worth it. Trust me as of this morning I can confidently say if you’ve hit your “G”, you’ll know it without a hint of doubt.
Everyone has subconsciously set a bunch of criteria for what would fit into their perfect life, perfect career, or perfect situation. We spend most of our lives compromising and living with things that more or less might fit MOST of those criteria. Could you imagine finding that one thing that just fits in so perfectly to everything you’ve ever dreamed of or wanted?
Something came to me and I didn’t question it FOR A SECOND. The second the vision came to my head and emotion flooded through my body, I jumped out of bed, got a paper and pen and got to work. Could you imagine? What is this?
This is all still super weird to me, and I know this is a fat chance, but has anyone ever experienced anything like this? Something’s got me really wanting to speak to someone who can help me understand. But for now, I’m at peace.